Trust Issues...

I have realized in the last few days as I spend time talking with the Lord that I have serious trust issues. I really don't trust anyone. If you're reading this blog, I don't trust you. I may love you, but I really don't trust you. Don't take it personally, I really don't trust anyone.

I don't know why it's so hard for me. As I think back on my life I can remember many times that I felt like I was on my own and it was up to me to take care of myself. I'm not sure if that's where it started. I didn't take that much psychology in college...all I know is...I don't trust. I keep people at an arm's length so that it's impossible for you to disappoint me.

The most painful part of my self-discovery is that I'm realizing that most of the time I'm not even trusting God. I was reading in "Trusting God" (ironically) that "when we fail to trust God we doubt His sovereignty and question His goodness. In both cases we cast aspersions upon His majesty and His character. God views our distrust of Him as seriously as He views our obedience."

How do you fix this? Wouldn't it be great if there was a switch you could walk over and flip and suddenly you would be at rest and this struggle would be behind you? I'd give all the money I have for such a switch. As I meditated on what to do, the only idea I had was found in the verse, "Your word have I hidden in my heart that I might not sin against You." Distrust is certainly sin, so I've devised the following plan:

1. I have made a list of about 30 verses on trusting God. For the next 30 days I will be memorizing these verses so that they are there for me when I need them.

2. I am empowering all of my friends to challenge me when I begin to freak out about anything...you can even ask to hear one of my verses.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Do you have any wise counsel? I'd love to hear it.

I am encouraged that God continues to speak and show me what is at the root of so much of what I do. I'm trusting that He'll complete what He's started!

Personal Foul

Do you ever have a day when you want to call "time out" in the game of life? In football there's a penalty called "piling on". What that means is that once a man is down, you can't keep jumping on top of him. Once he's down you have to stop piling up on him. I wish I could throw that flag up to God sometimes.

Yes, I know that God is all powerful and all kind, but don't you wish sometimes that God would let the bad stuff come in a trickle instead of a gush?

Can you tell I had a bad day today? I had one of those days when after you suffer a disappointment, instead of your friends first telling you they were sorry for your loss before loading you with heavenly platitudes, they immediately went to why you shouldn't feel bad. Let's say I didn't respond well to that. I know that God has purpose even in pain...but pain still hurts!

Then, I get home to spend some time with the Lord and try to cool off and what greets me in the mailbox...A JURY SUMMONS! Ok God, that's piling on, 10-yard penalty.

So here I sit, wondering what will happen next. Heck, it's only 3:00. The sky's the limit.

My only saving grace so far today is that when my son called me at lunchtime like he does every day, he told me that I was nice to talk to. That warmed my heart I think enough to get me through the day.

Patience (ˈpā-shənz) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.

I don't want to end on a negative note so this is what I'm asking God for today...patience and trust.

Here we go into the rest of the day...

Time is Counting Down

This is a picture my son took of me at a recent party. He loves a good party and especially loves to smear frosting on me!

I can't believe there is less than two weeks till we can file our papers to make Devin our LEGAL son. He's been our son in our hearts for so long now. I can't wait to make it official.

We've started planning things like a party and a dedication-type service at church. It's weird adopting an older child, there's not the hoop-la like there is when people adopt a baby, but I still want this to be very special for him and for him to get the full feeling of how big a deal this is to us and to those around us. I don't know if that's possible but this little momma is sure going to give it a try!

I spoke to my attorney and all the papers are in place and we're just sitting on "wait" for right now....pray for patience for me!

I wish I could invite you all to this party to celebrate with us. I've gotten such kind words of encouragement from many of you that I don't even know. I want you to know again how much this has meant to me. I don't know how I could have gotten through some of the rougher days without the support.

Please continue to pray that once we file the papers that we get a quick court date. I'm putting on a pretty good front about being patient with this whole process but I'm not a good "wait-er". Also my job ends next week to and I'm still seeking God for what to do next. I'd really like to stay home with Devin for awhile but don't know if that's going to be possible.

Again, keep those prayers headed upward...we're getting there!

Gimme Strength!

I have a son, and I love this boy more than you could ever know...but the kid is wearing me out!

Besides the normal roughness of a boy-child, which I expected and love, there is also the attachment/bonding process going on. I'm learning that when kids aren't "parented" out of certain developmental phases, they can kind of get stuck. That's partially what we're going through.

All moms are familiar with what it's like to have a 1 to 2 year-old climbing all over their lap and constantly wrestling with them. Now imagine that the child now weighs 140 lbs. and is 5'7"! This is my life on a constant basis. He is being affectionate when he's doing it and he's so cute so it's hard to complain about it, but I'm 44 and not a young whipper-snapper any more!

I completely get why this is going on and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help get him through this and reassure him that unlike his bio-mom or any other relationship he's had in the last 10 years with caretakers, I'm not going anywhere. The fact remains though that I'm bruised and exhausted most of the time. I want to enjoy this adventure, but I'm afraid it might just kill me!

As the day approaches when we can finally file the papers for his adoption, we get more and more excited and at the same time I see an anxiousness in Devin. I can't wait till this is all done and he can finally exhale...and so can I!

Please pray for us that the time goes by quickly. I'm anxious to see how different things will be once this is all tied up and permanent. God is so good and He will get us through this too!

Sing With Me!

As I lay in bed this morning trying to talk myself into getting up, I began to think about my life. Anyone who knows me, knows that by nature I'm kind of a "glass half-empty" kind of girl. But this morning despite the freezing cold outside and my own fatigue, I was filled with a sense of joy straight from the Lord for all of the very good things in my life. All of the sudden an old hymn that I used to love popped into my head and is now firmly lodged there so I thought I would share it with you and maybe brighten your day too...

Sunshine in My Soul

There is sunshine in my soul today,
More glorious and bright
Than glows in any earthly sky,
For Jesus is my Light.
Refrain

O there's sunshine, blessed sunshine,
When the peaceful, happy moments roll;
When Jesus shows His smiling face,
There is sunshine in the soul.

There is music in my soul today,
A carol to my King,
And Jesus, listening, can hear
The songs I cannot sing.

Refrain

There is springtime in my soul today,
For, when the Lord is near,
The dove of peace sings in my heart,
The flowers of grace appear.

Refrain

There is gladness in my soul today,
And hope and praise and love,
For blessings which He gives me now,
For joys "laid up" above.
Refrain

Despite all of the garbage going on in the economy and in the world around us, there is reason for hope and pure joy. So often I lose sight of this, but God is working on me. Now don't expect me to do something rash like run out an join a ladies small group because of this epiphany. God is growing me toward joy in baby steps.

I hope this song gets lodged in your heart today too!

Changes...

I haven't blogged in a few weeks because things have been pretty much the same around here...and as I thought about it today, I realized that that fact was pretty good. Things have settled down here and life has for the most part fallen into a very natural rhythm. Having Devin around is as natural as any other family member now and I can hardly remember life without him. As we enter the last few weeks before we're actually allowed to file for adoption, I'm surprised and yet very grateful for just how smoothly the transition has been.

God has such a sense of humor. The other day Devin was giving me a hard time about leaving them for work in the morning and as I left, I said over my shoulder, "Well you'll just have to pray that I lose my job or something." Wouldn't you know it, 2 hours later, I lost my job. (Now I have Devin praying about the lottery!) It was quite a shock but now as I think about it, I'm getting excited about what the future may have in store for me. I just thought the timing of this was interesting...

Speaking of timing...my last day on the job is the day we can finally file for adoption...which is also exactly one year to the day that we started this whole process...big things are coming my friends....

Today, Jay and I, along with a few other couples were asked by our social worker to come in and speak at one of her parenting classes for prospective foster/adoptive parents. Maybe that's what I'll do with my new-found spare time. I think it would be great to be able to advocate for these kids...just give me a soap box and let me loose!

Things I'm Looking Forward To Once the Adoption is Final
1. Not having to listen to parenting advice from a counselor who has never been a parent.
2. Keeping my house clean and neat all the time just in case I get a visit.
3. Being able to take my son out of the state on vacation without having to have a judge tell me it's OK.
4. No more court hearings, judicial reviews, guardian ad lit ems, counseling appointments, monthly visits....and all the other blah blah associated with the system.
5. Being able to officially call my son by our last name!

Devin has picked up one behavior that I am concerned about. Our beloved pastor has gotten into the practice of wearing a bow tie. Now my son is convinced that he wants to be just like Pastor Jon and also wants to wear a bow tie. (Yipes!) If he asks me to buy him a scooter and starts carrying a man-purse, I may have to change churches!!! :)

Finally, I'm going to plug my friend David's blog. David is a friend of mine from Nyack College a million years ago. He's an accountant...don't let that scare you...he's a funny one! He's such a gifted writer and I've enjoyed his blog so much I thought I'd share it with you. (http://balloom.blogspot.com) Give him a read if you're not already reading a million blogs a day. He'll make you laugh and think at the same time!