I Wanna Hold Your Hand!

Yesterday was such a precious day. My friends Dan and Sharon and their kids joined my family at the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot. It's a tradition with our family...pretty much any celebration with good food will bring us out to celebrate.

Little things surprise me as we continue to bond. I was told that he wasn't a huggy, affectionate kind of person. To my surprise, as our relationship grows, he is taking the initiate to get closer and closer to us. Jay and I always respond with a rub on the back or a stroke on his arm to let him know it's OK that he's close. Yesterday at the park, he began to lean his full weight on our backs as we waited in line and would pat your knee as he talked to you. At the end of the day as we rode the monorail back to the parking lot, he leaned over and put his head on my shoulder. This from a kid who doesn't like to be touched!

In college I was a psych major. We studied a phenomenon called "skin hunger". It concerned the fact that human beings were created to be touched. That's why it's so comforting and satisfying to cuddle our children, hug our friends, stroke the hand of someone who's sick and just touch other people in our day to day lives. Those of us who receive regular amounts of touch and affection probably take it for granted. I sat and wondered yesterday how often the kids at the GOV are hugged or someone touches their arms while they listen to them talk or whose shoulers they cry on when they're sad...all the things we enjoy every day. I think their bellies may be full, but they still may be starving.

God continues to bless me with little things like this each day. I'm still trying not to go mental as KHU drags its huge, bureaucratic feet.

I appreciate so much the advice, prayers and kind words. I need my friends right now to keep me from doing stupid stuff that would further inhibit the process.

Love and big warm hugs to you all!

That's What Moms Are For!

I'll make this quick, but I thought it was precious! By the way, thank God for unlimited texting!

This was a quick exchange between Devin and me yesterday: (excuse the typos, but I think they're precious too)

D: its science test time
W: Good luck, I will pray for grace for you
D: thank you mom
W: That's what moms are for!
D: espesaly my mom

I'm continually astounded at bonds that I thought would take for years are beginning so very quickly. I know that it's a risk for him because this is the point in the process that two other (stupid) families have walked away from him. I believe with all my heart that it was only God who saved him this long for us.

Please pray for me. This waiting for KHU to get their act together so Devin can come home has worn my emotions pretty raw this week. In MAP classes, they talk about how these kids have difficulty trusting because so many people have made them promises that they do not keep. Right now I can't think of anyone that has made Devin more un-kept promises than KHU and it makes my blood boil. We are completely powerless in this situation. I was so angry at God yesterday and kept asking Him where He was and why He didn't step in to save this little boy. I'm a little better today, but still pretty raw. My heart aches for those of you who have been in the process much longer than we have...God bless you for your endurance.

That's it. We're off to Epcot for the Food and Wine Festival. If a stomach full of good food can't make you feel better...I doubt anything can. Love to you all!

Two Little Words

I've been hesitant to share lately, knowing that prying 14 year-old eyes were reading but here goes, so Devin, if you're reading this, you may want to turn back now or be really embarrassed!

Things are going better than I ever expected and it seems like the bonding to our family is going well. He's so much a part of the family that he is truly missed when he's not at the house. Devin brings a lot of energy to our home that I love. For me though, it's hard for me to gauge how he is feeling or thinking, mostly because of my own self doubt and paranoia...I'm working on it!

Tuesday night we gave him a cell phone so that we could get hold of him easier. It's almost impossible to get through to GOV and I know kids these days like to text.
Wednesday morning as I'm at my desk at work I hear the little tone that lets me know I have a text message. I looked down to see a text from Devin that simply said,

im going to school have a nice day love you

I quickly returned his text and as I sat there I began to weep. For me, the moment at which you earn someone's love is a monumental event and should be savored. I took time to thank God who made me wait a really long time, but who has given me all I ever wanted and more. I really, really hate waiting, but this is good, and well worth waiting for. I'm still pretty much in awe.

While we're on the subject of love and telling people how much you love them, I have one more thing to say. Recently my friend Brandi graciously gave me an award on her blog and now I'd like to return the favor. I don't know what to call it, so I'll call it the "Expressions of Love" award. Anyone who knows Brandi knows that at the end of every conversation she says "love you!" That used to really creep me out. Outside of my husband and kids, I wasn't used to people saying that to me unless they thought I was dying or something and me, with my fear of rejection, could hardly muster the courage to say it to anyone else, no matter how deeply I felt it.
I was hit very hard recently when my father-in-law passed away. I loved him so much but I know I didn't tell him often enough because of my own insecurities. I only hope he knew how much he meant to me and how deeply I miss him. I continue to be sad about those missed opportunities.

Coming back to Brandi and her award...she through her regular unabashed declaration of her heart and affection has really rubbed off on me and helped me have the courage to tell other people how much they mean to me so that I never again have to wonder if people know how important they are to me. That's a great gift to give someone so I want to say to Brandi, "I LOVE YOU!"

I do love all of my friends who have supported us and prayed for us through this process. It hasn't been easy, but in the end, it will be very good. Pray for Devin, he has his heart set on an overnight weekend visit this week but I really don't think that Kid's Hope will get their stuff together in time. There seems to be no hope at Kid's Hope!

Much love to you all!

I'd Rather Break a Hip Than Dress This Hip!

OK, this is funny, I know. This is what my beloved son picked out for me at Marshall's. Needless to say, I didn't buy it. I refuse to enter the world of grown women who try to dress like they're 16.

No matter, we did have fun shopping. It's amazing and maybe a little flattering that he actually thought I might be able to pull this off...go figure.

That's it. I thought my friends might like a little chuckle at my expense. If you can't laugh at yourself, you just may explode.

Please continue to pray as this process drags slowly on. God's timing is perfect, but not easy. Love to everyone!

Another Step Closer!

Today we had our meeting to read Devin's files. Nothing surprising or shocking...a lot of what we expected. There are a few more people on the planet I want to hurt now...it's shocking to me how people think that they can treat innocent children. It makes my blood boil.

Anyway, it looks like my meeting with the lawyer-types is at least a week away which is a bummer because we get no overnight visits until that's done. One encouraging thing is that the social worker removed the one phone call per week rule and moved up his permanent move-in date almost a month and a half if the process goes as it should. (again, happy, but not holding my breath) If it works out this way, Devin would be able to go with us to North Carolina to the apologetics conference which would be great.

I'm going to end by copying an idea from my brilliant friend Jess and giving you a C.S. Lewis quote that I love:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I've Been Hacked!

Hello Devin!
As many as you know my darling man-child has googled his way into my blog. Leave it to kids these days to find the last things you'd want them to. He even left a comment under the "The Talk, No Not That One" blog. He's so prolific!

Well, I've decided to keep blogging as before. He'll have to read all of the ooey, gooey stuff if he wants to keep reading. That's just the kind of woman I've become.

Not much to report. We found out today that the woman who schedules the "meetings" that will unplug our path to progress is on vacation until September 25. ARGH!! What next?

Anyway, we go Friday morning to read all of Devin's files and find out what he's been up to for the last 14 years...I hope there's some good stuff. I'm hoping then that we can make some forward progress.

Please be in prayer for all of us. Things are hectic with me trying to get my class finished, work is stressful and then throw in it family life and all this other stuff. We're so anxious to bring Devin home with us...yes, that's you nosey boy!

Love to you all!

Let's Play Dress-Up

Let me tell you how much fun I'm having buying boy clothes. I've never gotten to do this before and I'm liking it. I've been squirreling away money from my paychecks for many months for such a time as this and I think I should've started about 10 years ago because boy clothes are expensive!

Anyway, last night the kiddies from our church put on a program. To support the little kids, the youth group got all dressed up and treated the little ones to a red-carpet reception. I didn't think Devin was going to get to go because of our limited visitation schedule and the fact that he told me he wouldn't go to youth group. Just on faith, I went out and bought him a new pair of pants and a dress shirt. As God would have it, things changed on both fronts and Devin got to go.





Both the kids looked so good all dressed up. Of course, I made them let me take their pictures. Now, he won't smile for me in a posed picture (photo 1), but I did catch a sweet cameo of him laughing with some of the kids (photo 2). He looked so handsome and I think he knew how good he looked because he wore his dress clothes back to GOV instead of changing.

It's more and more fun to have him around. We're so excited now that he can actually be in the house. No weekend visits yet but it's a vast improvement. I had so hoped that this would be the weekend he could stay over, but apparently it's not meant to be yet. I'm trying so hard to celebrate the good and not be so frustrated by the bureaucracy and the set-backs...please keep praying!

Could Anything Else Happen?...Really!

Today, I got the call I've been waiting for...sort of. It seems that in the adoption process, behind every big puffy pink cloud, there's a lighting bolt ready to hit you in the tush...what next?

I got the call from our social worker that our homestudy had come back and had been approved. Yipee!! But...and here comes my BIG but...we have yet one more obstacle to overcome before Devin can come into our home. It seems that since Devin has a brother in the system, there has to be a meeting were I say in front of a bunch of lawyer and guardian-type people that I would support Devin visiting his little brother. I can't just write it down, sign it, notarize it, put a couple drops of blood on it and staple my first child to it...I have to do it in a meeting.

Stacey hopes that the meeting will be this week. If anyone sees me today they will notice that I am not holding my breath, I am to busy trying to hold my sanity.

So, yes, it's a cause for celebration...but with an oops clause. Please pray that FHS can get it together soon. I'm sure there'll be something else after this!

The Talk...No, Not That One

I love making my boy more and more a part of our everyday lives. Even despite the fact that our paperwork has not been finalized, our weekends together have been really good. This week I happened upon a sale on shirts and pants and took a chance on buying him an outfit. I told him he had to try it on and if he hated it, we'd take it back to the store. When he came out of the room, he looked like an entirely different person. No longer did he look like a foster kid; he looked like a member of someone's family. We took him out later and bought him a great pair of sandals. He looked like a million bucks in church today!

I've been waiting for the right moment to talk with him about something that's been on my heart. When I introduce him to people, it's very awkward. It goes something like, "this is my daughter Erica, and Devin." It's like he's an add-on that we don't know how to tag. On the way back from picking him up for church, Jay asked him if it was alright if we introduced him as our son, because as far as we are concerned, he already is. Devin said that it would be absolutely OK if we did that. I wish I could've been there, but what a special moment between Devin and his dad.

Tonight, on the way home, Jay was talking to Devin about his parents. Jay asked him if he ever wanted to see either one of them again. He said that he would probably want to see his mother someday. Her parental rights were terminated when he was 5. His father fought the termination of rights for many years but lost them when he was sent back to prison. He won't be eligible for parole until sometime in 2014 or so and Devin said that he would not want to see his father ever again. Jay asked him if he were nervous that his dad may come looking for him again. Devin said, "He'll have a very hard time finding me because he'll be looking for Demetree F, but by then I'll be Devin R*****."

My heart melted when Jay told me this. I've wondered if a kid this age would want to change his identity so drastically. I'll be so proud to have him be one of us!

Please pray that our paperwork comes in this week! I'm trying so hard to be patient, but my nerves are wearing so thin with this agency.
God's timing is perfect, but I am not!

Much love!

Meet the Arrogant Woman!

Last night on the telephone, Devin told me that he had a message for me but he couldn't give it to me. He told me that his mentor, Angela would give it to me. I couldn't for the life of me think of what it might be.

Today, Angela wrote, "I think he wants me to tell you that he has made up his mind and your family is definitely the one."

As I read this, I was struck with how arrogant I had been in simply assuming all along that, of course, he would want to come with us. Aren't we wonderful after all?

God humbled me quickly today. This young man was communicating to me that he had chosen us to be his family and he had taken great thought in coming to his decision. I was humbled that he had not made this decision impulsively or taken it lightly. I feel so honored to get to be his mom.

Another day and still no word on our paper work...God give me the ability to set my mind on what You want and not what I want.

Love to you all!

Just a couple pictures

As we went to pick up Devin today for the beach, I asked the Lord for just a small glimpse or piece of what was going on in his heart today. Often I worry that I'm getting ahead of even Devin's timetable for this whole adoption thing and I worry he'll be reluctant at wanting me to be his "mom".

It takes no time at all to see that this kid was not raised around water. He's a pretty awkward swimmer and as he would jump into the waves he would end up with a face-full of salt water. It melted my heart as he would run up to me and wipe his eyes on my shoulder. This is a kid that doesn't like to be touched...what a sweet gift from God.

That's it. It was a sweet day. I had the whole family and we got a time of rest and relaxation. I just wanted to post a few pictures and my little story...maybe tomorrow our homestudy will finally be approved. If not, I have enough to keep me going for a little while!